And we all thought that the credit goes to a certain Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi , who wanting to have Indians revoke their cooperation from the British government, with the aim of persuading them to grant self-governance, kicked off the Non Cooperation Movement in India back in 1920. How remiss of us.
All of us have been at the receiving end of corporate jargon for a while now. The idea was to make communication slick but what it has ended up as a soul sucking black hole of meaningless hoity toity sounding phrases that add zero value(rest assured) except to those Death By PowerPoint HR Slides.
Let’s take a look at some of these jargon speak and see what we may interpret from each. So, here’s some plain speak on the most abused corporate buzzwords that are single-handedly responsible for turning meetings into hostage situations:-
- Touch Base: Apart from sounding like a flagrant violation of moral ethics and privacy, and all the pandemonium stirred by the #MeToo movement, who on earth gives you the authority to touch someone’s base? You shouldn’t even contemplate doing that with a barge pole. Are you trying to be Ace of Base? Well, in reality, it is the well established corporate practice of ‘ doing nothing masquerading as productivity ‘.
2. Paradigm Shift: If Corporate were to be having a Vending Machine, this would be definitely be their top seller. Working multiple shift. The intent is to show that ‘ we are doing something unique, innovative and we want you to be impressed ‘. That translates to for eg in advertising– this campaign will be a pardigm shift on how retail brands do their communication. And what does the campaign say:- ” 25 to 70% on all items “. I dare call it ‘ paradigm shit ‘ and you are not getting one dime from me for that.
3. Low-Hanging-Fruit: Did you know there is a new fruit in town- it is called the low hanging fruit. Full of antioxidants sorry anti accidents and one a day will keep critical appraisals at bay(Lest there be a clash of ego, I didn’t want to bring the other fruit, apple into the picture). Deeper translation of this would be that my die hard lazy cousin Venkat would do this without battling an eye-lid. But we have to make it sound like a masterstroke. Re-targeting existing customers for example. Wow, simply genius.
4. Think Outside The Box: This one brings out my boxer’s instincts. And the least I want to do is haul them over George Foreman‘s grills. The brief goes something like this:- ” come up with something wildly creative, while making sure its ultra safe, universally liked and it is something that we have done multiple times in the past “. In our experience at ISD Global when we recommend something like ” how about putting a dog riding on a skateboard holding your product and balancing it with elan and not letting go”, the reaction we most often receive is “That is too risky. Let us do a (boring ) customer testimonial video. So, you figure out- whether we are inside or outside the box.
5. Let’s Take This Offline: If pretense were to be given an Oscar, this one would take centre stage. Admittedly, the story is ” I have no clue what you are talking about but I don’t want to come across as ignorant in this meeting (considering that I am the Chief Experience Officer). We can always pretend that we will talk about it later and then I fervently hope that you will forget“.
6. Let’s Circle Back : Alternative for saying ” How do I not make this work as I have neither the expertise, the wherewithal or the intent to find a solution “. It is the richer cousin of Let’s Take This Offline. Remember it takes two to NOT do.
7. Granular Approach: Mumbo Jumbo for ” Lets micro-manage this to it’s grave so that most in the team will start regretting they were ever born “. Boss: ” Show me the last 5 years marketing strategy, ad verbatim, but I insist that you show it in three different font sizes. No change AT ALL please “. And you end up muttering under your breath ” Why not I write a Suicide Note instead “. Justified, yes.
8. Bandwidth: The corporate experts on this will go to any length(and width of course) to drop this manna from heaven( or so they think). When I first heard this, I thought this was a reference to either the FM or AM frequency on the radio. I must admit that I suffer from AICOI(Auto Immune Curse of Ignorance). As you talk about an important project and expect support from the other side, prompt comes the response, ” I’d love to, but I just don’t have the bandwidth “. You see the last hour he( with his Lactose intolerance) spent was on Instagram researching the best Avocado Toast recipes. If he had the band with him, he sure would have blown his own trumpet, while blowing your request away.
9. Fail Fast, Fail Forward: I really I wish my Mom would tell me this when I was in School. I was(?) no good you see, but unfortunately she did not have the advantage of the hastily put together, crafted to deceive Mark Zuckerberg coinage. The real side of the story is that ” we have no clue what we are doing, so, the best thing to do is glorify failure, we have burnt out all our investors money( on the 17th Food Tech company coming out of East London), because we wanted to fail fast, fail forward “. So, this too shall pass.
10. Data-Driven-Decisions: Now I know why they say ” data is the new oil ” though I was surprised that the grocery store I frequent did not have this new oil when I asked for it. He was graceful enough to give me a 2 litre pack of another brand and an inspiring afterthought “ Fortune favours the brave son “. What this actually means is that we can selectively pick data that fits into our scheme of things and ignore the ones that don’t. After all, ignorance is bliss. ” Me to CEO: data shows that our users hate this new feature, CEO to me: data also shows that our employees love the new feature. So, it stays “.
11. Synergy: The unholy communion of buzzwords. It is the corporate method of putting two things together, who have no business to be in the same boat but hoping for the best. Probably the linguistic equivalent of putting pineapple pieces on pizza and having the audacity to term it innovation. ” We have to have an omni channel strategy but our E Commerce site crashes far more often than it should especially when there is a sale, our retail stores are empty, so let’s find a synergy between the two “.
12. Ping Me: If you are not good at table tennis, this is something that will ostracise you and making a comeback is an uphill task. What you have to read between the lines here is that ” I am too important and busy to remember this, so, you remind me “. It is the digital equivalent of a nudge but with no sensitivity to subtlety. What you should also consider and be ready for that one line marvel ” Ping me if you need anything ” is that I will continue to ignore your message and you will need to remind me 38 times before I condescendingly decide to respond.
13. Boil The Ocean: This is a new one for me and still coming to terms with it. We just got used to swimming against the tide and get into Blue Ocean territory and if they expect us to be swimming in a boiling ocean, it is a bit too unfair. This comes hand in glove- ambition at happy loggerheads with delusion. We are unloading all ammunition at one go in a frenzy of carpet bombing knowing fully well that most of it will never find its target, but we will do it nonetheless.
14. Deep Dive: Destination Shallow End of the Analysis Pool. What it means is thorough research, diligence and validation. What actually transpires is a 10 minute skim of the Executive Summary, 6 hastily made Pie(in the Sky) Charts, before the profound landmark prognosis ” the data speaks for itself “. Even though the data is mumbo jumbo with a vengeance.
So, how do we lesser mortals get our own back?
Time to come clean and admit that our corporate vocabulary that is ambiguous, elastic or inelastic( depending on which side you are pulling it from- giving or receiving) needs an overhaul. So, the next time you hear ” Let’s leverage our core competencies to realise synergestic outcomes “, you know what to do.
Time to come a full circle(back?)!