Bangalore Daze!!!

 

With malice towards none, this rant is undertaken with a lot of apprehension, clean intent and hope.

 

So, before I unravel what I want to, here’s a caveat: ” Citizenship is a full contact sport. NOT a spectator sport. Cities are fundamentally about relationships. Cities only work when we serve our shared goals, share our thinking(and) share ourselves. It’s not what I do to or even for you, but what we do together. I reckon I have stated the obvious in this short preamble.

 

Like many others, I am an accidental nomad. And now spending a lot of time in Bangalore(Bengaluru)– this new domicile that I am keen to call|make home. Over the past few months, I have been extremely fortunate to have met with some  wonderful people, who have so graciously become mentors, guides, coaches, friends and much more with no expectations or obligations. Extremely grateful for this abundance and welcome. It has only reinforced my belief that this can truly become home and my motivation still remains high. This release is to ensure my wishes are horses.

 

Some days, I admit, the last thing you want to do is go to work—but since it doesn’t look like those bills will start paying themselves anytime soon, you put on your best adulting face and head out for your daily hustle. What follows is a set of on road | off road | from road observations. And certainly not painting everyone with the same brush.

 

Bangalore can be termed the spondylitis capital of the world. Other cities might run it close, but for now, it is a clear victor. My metric for measurement on this is the fact that bikers, motorists, cyclists, truckers etc never ever look left or right when they access oncoming or ongoing traffic. Stiff necks could be the cause. That other motorists would be neck deep in trouble because of their RoboCop act is of no concern to them. Probably a reason why the term is “break neck speed “. It had to come from somewhere.

 

If you are in media or publishing, you would be knowing the term ” having a church and state relationship“. Effectively means that the editorial and advertising teams don’t see eye to eye. Here, it is the same with urban planning and infrastructure. They don’t bother each other at all and hate playing tweedle dee and tweedle dum. And aesthetics, well that is the prerogative of the ‘unreasonable’, so I am not trespassing there.

 

There is another claim that it can make. Being the colour blind capital of the world. Right from an impressionable age and even earlier, we were given to understand that Red light at a traffic signal means stop, Green means go and Amber means pause and review. It’s a win-win out there. Red means go. Green means go. And Amber- what|who is that? Is it my daughter’s friend who is now settled in Canada? What impressed me about the democratic nature of this blatant acts of violation is that it is done with great panache by both the white collar and the blue collar tribes. No discrimination or gender bias there. Yes, you guessed it- including the techie types with backpacks branded by mega MNC IT brands! Pray dell me?

This is also a place where Lane Dhane is always on – I mean you can move from any lane to any lane, any time, any way, any manner. Who gives you that incredible flexibility? Empowerment re-imagined. Lucky!!

 

As you sit in kilometres of parking lots( I mean roads) anticipating your next major move of 3 to 4 mms, you look around and more often than not see billboards inspiring you to invest multiple crores in the next big residential complex. Lake View Penthouses if you may. Leaves you wondering when will the owners ever reach those places, if at all- probably well after the lakes have dried up or encroached upon, both of which are distinct possibilities. And all this while you are coming to terms with Google Maps’ audacity of its robotic, cut and dried reassurance- ” you are on the fastest route despite heavier than usual traffic “. And I am not even going to ” there is an object on the road ” riff- it is no object but the subject of all strife for God’s sake- it is the trailer truck whose driver has parked right in the middle of the road as he saundered into the wilderness without any GPS to attend nature’s call.

 

All over the city you see tell tale signs that ” once upon a time ” metro work had started. Apparently part of folklore when it started ( which in any case was 20-25 years too late). The tired looking pillars(of weakness) and rusting iron rods tell a pathetic story. The brief given was ‘TYT‘- we are in no hurry, as long as it is work in retrogress, and it is massively inconveniencing everyone, we are fine with it. We are all on board for Plundership and Non Cooperate, Non Governance- Life in a Metro anyone or should it be Strife in a Metro?

 

If cradle snatching has a hero destination, this would be it. All over the city you can see underage boys(obviously without license but a license to kill) riding and motorbikes. But for them too, it is a tough ask- for you to qualify doing the unthinkable you must pass these strenuous tests: you must have at least 3 kids on the bike, you must drive on main roads with heavy traffic and God help you if you are caught wearing a helmet. Its extremely tough but it gets pulled off.

 

It is also (dis)heartening to note the progress made by the city on the beautification front. Other places resort to water features, hardscape, softscape, irrigation etc to keep their cities looking beautiful. Here, the citizenry is empowered to use garbage as the ammunition and it can be thrown anywhere you please as long as it is across a vast stretch( I am told a minimum stretch of 100 metres is mandatory) and it becomes a sight for four eyes and cleans up your blocked nose. Beware, these are exacting standards to live up to!!

 

It took a while to dawn on me why ISRO is headquartered here: I could not see the obvious but given the amount of crater filled roads or craters masquerading as roads, the close resemblance to Mars or the Moon’s surfaces gives them instant and constant access to real simulations without taking any moonshots. And given it’s penchant for agile thinking, I understand that Disney is taking inspiration from the roads here for some of the roller coaster rides that it is planning  at its upcoming theme parks.

 

I am told that top notch mobility, urban transportation and logistics companies from around the world over are making a beeline to come here and understand how to transport iron rods, concrete blocks, rotting garbage, meri junk etc in broad daylight, during all hours in the most unsafe and crude manner possible, all through the city. I think the original version of Fear Factor was conceptualised here.

 

Earlier this year, the city witnessed a dry, hot spell for several months. The grass was not greener on any side. Nay sayers predicted doomsday. Little did they know that given the amount of open urination and relentless spitting that happens here would be more than enough to solve the liquidity crunch. Don’t they see it coming? How remiss! We see it all the time(whether we want it or not!). MRP(ee)!! Thank the Men of Dishonour!

 

As part of the city’s talent attraction programme, senior sound engineers from some of the top most audio brands in the world are coming to understand the technology behind the horns used here. Especially the psychedelic meets electric shock meets dysentry in a flash kind of horns. And they can’t stop honking- at traffic lights when there is not an inch to move, at 2 am in the night when there is no need for it. These guys are perennially horny I guess. What to do, ‘horny ko kaun taal saktha hain?”

 

And thank god, this is also a city of faithfuls. Like some auto rickshaws which has this clear message written at the back saying ” Jesus is Coming “. Seeking divine intervention is natural given the state we are in. So, let’s all keep the faith. Believe.

 

Some of the Uber and Ola drivers though are different. Yes I am referring to the few who look at you with homicidal intent when you ask them to switch on the Air Conditioner. It is as if you have asked them to hand over their family fortune at gun point. How dare?

 

I am not going to throw more light on non existing street lights on non existing roads- why waste electricity? Though we have the power to change things. That said, motorists here are always driving with full beam at night(what is a dipper??) and with the dust and craters on the road, this is the perfect setting for filming Nightmare on Elm(every Street)!

 

All the above notwithstanding, as I said earlier, “Citizenship is a full contact sport. NOT a spectator sport “. And charity begins at home.

 

So, much as we would all want to wield the megaphone and wave the Silicon Valley flag, and with pride at that, none of us want to hear its phonetic equivalent ” Silly Con Valley “- that would really hurt! Wouldn’t it?

 

So, lets wake up and smell the Coorg Coffee! It will be still worth it, I promise.